people don't seem to understand that, when i kill myself, i won't die. my body will die, but i am not my body. when i kill myself, when i die, my soul will move on to finally be itself. free from the chains of my human body, i can finally unfold into whatever creature i truly am inside. i'm not talking heaven or hell, or even reincarnation. death is the true plane. this earth, this body, this life, for me at least, is just the waiting room. this is the purgatory. i'm just waiting to become who i truly am inside. i'm just waiting to be born.
i wish i could stop feeling. to feel is to experience pain. there is no joy, no excitement, no love. all there is is pain, physical and emotional and spiritual. as long as i am alive i will feel the pain of every other living creature on this planet.
we cannot speak to angels. not the pure kind. any fallen/reincarnated angels are not pure, and therefore we can communicate with them. but no human being will ever be able to communicate with angels. to speak to the likes of us would taint their purity. our words are evil and sick. even to listen to us would ruin them, just like we ruin everyone else around us. that is why there's no point praying to your guardian angel. nobody is listening. nobody is listening.
i think doing this little project has been good for me. it won't last long, surely. part of my nature is that i am prone to obsessions that only last for short periods of time, but are incredibly powerful and draining. but allowing myself to focus 100% of my time on this diary for the past few days has allowed me to escape my real life. when i am here, inside my own head, i don't need to worry about any of the false, artificial fears the "real world" has instilled in me. all there is is my own thoughts. it is pure, and safe.
SHUT UP YOU ATTENTION SEEKING WHORE. YOU DONT KNOW HOW THIS FEELS, AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE ANYTHING LIKE ME. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT SCUM. YOURE A FUCKING PIG.
i've been struggling to sleep lately. i don't know, i think maybe because i have nothing to do all day. what's the point of being up for 10am if you're going to sit in bed for the next 16 hours. you can be whoever you want at night and you don't need to worry about anyone watching.
got an hours sleep and i'm feeling on the verge of something. not another manic phase yet, i think i'd need to stay up for another few days to induce one. but i feel different inside.
my neighbour passed away yesterday. i just found out. it's funny, i don't really feel anything at all. i didn't know her amazingly well, but she had lived there longer than i had. i've always known her my whole life. it's just strange how i'm so apathetic to her death, yet when someone i never even knew dies i find myself depressed for days (milk-tar, i miss you). it's not that i never cared about her in life, yet someone i can't bring myself to care for her death.
me and him have joked about it a lot, but i'm beginning to realise that my brother just unironically hates women. he's cycling through girlfriends (like, a new one every week) and keeps telling him he loves them until they break up. then he calls them cunts, pigs, whores, bitches when they have done absolutely nothing wrong to him and the breakup was amicable. he's 14 fucking years old and he's already fuckboy/incel combo. like ok elliot rodger, just don't include me when you go on your "i hate women" murder spree. :/ jesus. sometimes i wish he was dead. he also makes horrible incest/rape jokes and has always been borderline physically abusive, throwing things at me, punching me, etc. and because he's younger and mentally ill i always feel like it shouldn't matter. he's just a kid, he's not at fault. but there's some nights i'm terrified he might seriously hurt me one day.
i've been listening to a lot more linkin park than usual lately. idk why, since i used to only listen to them when i was really mad/sad. i guess i just miss chester. it's been a while since he died but i'm still pretty emo about it. also, i couldn't sleep again last night. i finally drifted off at around 7:30am and woke up again at 9am. for some reason though, i don't feel tired even though what i'm experiencing is probably like.. chronic lack of sleep or something. i feel perfectly normal. and it's not as if i've just been lazing around all day - i've been up and about. i wonder when it's going to catch up on me.
today i went shopping with my mum and brother, and i was carrying really heavy bags, as was my mum, while my brother carried nothing. i asked him to carry something for me and he started complaining that he couldn't because he was depressed. i got mad and told him that depression wouldn't stop him from holding the fucking bag. and he told me "when you have depression, then you can see how it feels." fuck off. i am depressed. i've been depressed for the past six years. and i can't fucking tell anyone because i'm the one that needs to hold this family together. when he and my dad are depressed, and my mum is stressed and threatening self-harm, i have to be the normal one. i have to be the steady fucking rock in all of your lives when inside i want to kill myself. but i can't be that dissapointment. so i'm going to have to wait until i can move out and slowly cut contact until we never see each other any more. i have to wean them off me before i can finally escape because i don't want to hurt anyone. and you treat me like shit constantly. you're on antidepressants. you're not suicidal any more. i am. on a lighter note, though, i did get hybrid theory on vinyl, plus i got the watchmen and v for vendetta comics. i loved the movies and i've always wanted to get into comics, so this is my start. if i like them, i'll try get umbrella academy.
im really mad about the fact that my parents think i cant handle my own finances. im literally moving out on my own in september and theyre acting like im just this little child who has no idea about anything. they keep telling me i dont know how much these things cost, trying to convince me not to move out and shit like that. i know what im doing. they think im so irresponsible with money and that ill spend it all on drugs and nights out. they wont even let me spend one night home alone because they dont trust me, always forcing me to go stay with relatives. i can fucking handle myself. theyre the reason im so desperate to move out, for gods sake.
last update before i go on holiday tomorrow! unless i update from my phone which is Highly unlikely because it's hard to do on a phone.. also i'm taking my old iphone 5 instead of my 7 because I don't want it getting ruined lmao. today i was shopping for last minute stuff with my mum and i got checkered vans!!! i also saw one of those blood donation vans but they said come back at 1:30 and we couldn't wait :(. but that was probably lucky because i'm really weird with losing blood and i sometimes get anemic on my period and my periods aren't even that heavy so giving blood the day before i go on a party/drinking holiday would've been a bad idea i think. oh well. i'll see if maybe i can donate after i get back because i've never given blood but i'm old enough and have blood to spare so.. on a somewhat related note i also really want to donate a kidney, but i think you need to be 18 to do that. i'm pretty sure i'm signed up to the doner registary thing anyway so if i die on this holiday it's nbd, someone will get my organs. that's maybe kinda morbid but i like the idea that when i die my body will go to some use, since i believe the body and the soul are seperate. once i die this 'meat sack' is literally worthless to me. so dream post-death procedure is to have my organs donated and then just stick my body in a forest somewhere for the trees and plants to get the nutrients. i would donate my body to science maybe but i heard something about male workers assaulting the female bodies and even though i would be dead i just don't like that idea... ugh. oh well, i should sleep maybe, since i'm going to a friends at 11:30am tomorrow and then getting a taxi to be at the airport for 1pm. i'm going to greece if anyone cares, zante. or zakynthos i think is the full name. i wanted to learn at least a little greek but the fact that it's got whole new letters really confused me. i hope they have lots of vegetarian food because i don't think my friends would want to go to veggie/vegan-specific resteraunts. if they even have those in greece. i feel like they eat lots of meat there. but i've never been so who knows! it's super cool that after this i will have been in 8 different countries - scotland, england, spain, france, germany, switzerland, holland and now greece. i think i'm really privilidged to be european because for americans a flight/dive to a different state is the same for me as one to a whole other country. and i'm lucky enough to have a family that could take me on holidays to other countries. this is a rambling one i think because i'm so excited. it's going to be weird because it's my first holiday without any adult supervision. i've always gone with my parents or one time with the school. plus it's a drinking holiday, and i'm not really as big a partier as my friends. i'll drink for sure, but for seven nights in a row... ugh, i'll be dead by the time i get back. don't be surprised if there's no update for 2+ weeks. i'll need my recovery time lmao. anyway by the time i get back the summer holidays will have officially started in my country, so if you've read this long i hope you have a good summer if you get off soon! see ya!!!
that's me back from my holiday!! it was so exhausting, i'm literally so ill right now i can bearly speak. it was kinda emotional lmao, i cried alot. it was fun to spend the week with my friends though. i've missed updating this site. it felt longer than a week. i tried to update it on my phone but it was super difficult so i just gave up. i got so many ideas while i was away for what to do with this site!
mixed feelings about keeping up this journal page. i feel like it might just be the format, since i love my dream and drug journal pages. but i feel like this page is quite arbitrary, maybe because my life is kinda boring lmao. i also feel a bit iffy having everyone know all my personal shit i'm feeling lmao. i'll probably just try change the layout of everything, and maybe i'll try changing how i use it? i also might put it somewhere else, because right now it's like right at the forefront of this site and i'm not loving it. hmm. idk how to feel.
sorry i haven't updated in a few days. i've been having.. a weird family moment. it's always awkward when a parent cries in front of you, especially when they're crying about you. everything going on right now is super uncomfortable because i've never experienced anything like this before. i can deal with my depression and autism and anxiety and all my personal mental health stuff. but when it's my brother, i don't know. it's just difficult. i might be updating slightly less frequently just because we need to work through this stuff. other than all that, my frank iero tickets have came, as have my trnsmt festival tickets. trnsmt is just in ten days, which is super exciting. i've been super sick lately though. it's just a really bad cold, but it's been a week now and isn't getting any better. oh well.
2day was a good day!! it was my dogs 7th birthday so we took her to the park then got her a new toy and loads of treats. now i'm watching true romance since i just got it on dvd, and tomorrow i think i'm going to my friends house. i've been thinking a little about how i feel my emotions. it's weird, i think i'm really detached from everything i feel. it's like my whole life i'm living through glass. i can see clearly, but i can't actually feel anything. so i'll show my emotions but as soon as that emotional situation is over i realise i feel nothing. like this whole family situation that's going on right now, i keep getting 'upset' or 'mad', but as soon as i'm alone i feel fine and it's like i was never mad or upset in the first place. i don't know why or how i just switch my feelings on and off like that. not as if i'm a sociopath or something, because i do feel things, i think. i'm just distant from it all, like i'm sitting at the bottom of the pool and my emotions are the lifeguard. anyway, like i said, today was a good day. so yeah :)
sorry i haven't updated in a week. i was on holiday and i took my laptop but there was no wifi so :/. it was rly good tho. i also went to a festival on the 14th which was amazing. ive had a rly good two weeks, but i'm just feeling kinda iffy. my headphones have broken, and only one ear works. its not a big deal lmao, but.. ugh. so while we we're on holiday my brother was kinda freaking out. he's neurodivergent and i think everything was just a bit much for him, so he was refusing to do anything or go anywhere and kept saying he was going to kill himself and kill us and run away and all that stuff. i know it's not his fault but the amount of times he's made my parents cry in the past few months is like... alot. im just rly sad about it, because my mum had to go home early with him because he was so bad. i understand if hes stressed or upset, but when he starts telling us hes gonna kill himself if he doesnt get what he wants, it just feels manipulative? like, ive been suicidal. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone around me. but i didnt use it as a threat. i never told anyone unless i was telling them to get me help, you know? and yet thats his go to "im in a bad mood so i should get whatever i want". when we say we want to go to the beach he says he wants to kill himself. when we say were having pizza for dinner he says he'll kill himself unless he gets fish and chips. he's just so selfish. i'm glad i'm moving out in september, but i'm also really scared for my parents. i know my dad's already depressed, and my brother is rly strong and keeps getting violent. i know i'm probably being overdramatic but i dont want them to die. i know i can handle him better than them, i can detach myself from everything so i dont care when he tells me he hates me and wants to kill me. but it hurts them. i'm also really mad at one of my 'friends' because she's just a horrible person who's treated me like shit for a long time. i don't want to sound like an asshole but i am such a nice fucking person, or at least i try to be, and i feel like i'm constantly surrounded by horrible people. things never go my way, and i never complain. this past week i've been feeling really suicidal for the first time in a while. i've also been thinking about self-harming, although lukily i havent had to option to do that. i dont like to keep track of the exact dates of how long i've been clean but it's been months (i think since april?) and i know if i had my blades on me this week i wouldv'e relapsed. it's just been very stressful. but don't think i've not enjoyed myself! this is just my place to vent about all the bad stuff in my life, since i can't tell anyone irl. i'll be okay. i'll probably update later with more detail on my holiday, since there were some really really good parts. also it's the 50th anniversary of the moon landing!!!! damn, isn't that cool?
i really feel like getting drunk, having a smoke and watching trainspotting. ill drink and watch trainspotting, but its five months til i can smoke. or, i guess, until i go out with somebody over 18 again. i dont know if anyone will be having any parties anytime soon since its nearing uni time. i dont know, maybe. i can hope, since none of my pals would buy fags for me. i dont want to be a smoker, and i know i wont because i dont get addicted to this sort of stuff. ive always had a lot of self control. anyways.. its 11:31 and im tired so maybe ill just head to bed.
goddd i feel like such a bad friend. im so horrible and i dont mean to be i hate that im always cancelling plans last minute and dissapointing them. i should just cut contact with them this summer so they dont have to deal with my shit anymore, since i know theyre too nice to be the ones cutting contact with me. my mental health has been somewhat worse lately, but i ordered some india ink and it came today, so i think i might tattoo myself tonight, or maybe just touch up some of my older ones since its been a while and im out of practice. hopefully that will help get me out of this weird mental funk.
i've thunked some thoughts about tattoos now that i have ink again and for one i want to do a little milk carton to comemorate a friend, and then i want to get tattoos to symbolise all my pets, but rather than just getting portraits of them or getting their names i'll get little images to symbolise them. like, get a mouse for my cat called mouse, and a stick of butter for my other cat, butter. i'd love to have them on my arm because they mean a lot to me and ur arm feels like a special place because it's so much for visible. but for now all my tats are on my feet or upper thighs/hips. i might wait until next year to get them on my arms since i'll be over 18 and i'll feel safer i guess? so i might stick with the milk, or maybe some other ideas that i've had for a while.
had a very weird experience today. i got a tarot reading from a stranger, and it was like, super fucking accurate. ive never done anything like that before but ive always been facinated by it, which he knew as soon as i sat down (he told me id get myself involved in magic stuff or tarots very soon, which i think i will). tge weirdest thing was that he knew about my self harm in like, a decent amount of detail. he told me about it and i almost cried like, i was looking at myself to see if my scars were visisble and they werent, he just knew. he told me that i was lashing out against myself and other people, and that i needed to seek help even though it was going to be hard. he also said there was gonna be change in my life very soon, and i shouldnt try to reverse it after the change is over. he also talked about one of my friends (without naming her) with a lot of accuracy. and he said that i was going to be involved in something creative in the future, and it was going to be great. everything just seemed to line up with my life so well. even if tarot is fake and he was just guessing based on my appearance, he was a really fucking good guesser. im just so thankful i did it, and i really want to get myself a pack of tarot cards and learning how to do readings soon because it was such an insane experience.
i've been very stressed about my iminent future lately. it's summer and so i've just been able to mostly ignore real life. but i've got lots of letters now from university, so that's beginning to seem more real now. i'm honestly not too stressed about that, what i am stressed about is my driving lessons. i've had about 15 lessons and my instructor says i should be able to do my test after i pass 20 lessons or so. i'm doing my theory test next week, which i'm nottoo stressed about. but i really, really hate driving. i just feel like i'm not good enough at it. i've done so many lessons and spent so much money on it now that i know i should finish it and get my lisence just because. i'm also stressed about how i don't have a job yet, and i'm going to be moving out soon. i just wis life was a movie.
i want to go back. i want to go back to when i had princess bed sheets and too many stuffed animals. go back to when i had never hard of pink floyd or girl, interrupted. when i didn't realise when someone was too skinny or had scars on their wrists. when i didnt have dreams about being raped, when i wasnt scared when male family members got too close to me. i want to go back to when i didn't even think about morality or death or how time machines are probably impossible or that immortality is bad. i want to back to when i didnt see spiders crawling all over me when i closed my eyes. when i didnt know what drugs were and thought i would never drink in my life. when i didnt have boobs or periods or know there was a difference in being a boy or a girl. when i didnt know about mental illnesses. when i thought i was normal. when i wasnt sad or angry all the time. when i felt things like normal, never too much and never numb. right now i feel nothing, im so empty. i feel barren.
just popping in to let you know monster energy smells (and sorta tastes) just like benylin dry cough syrup. i gagged. i used to get high by drinking bottles of the stuff (still do i guess) and as soon as i smelt it i could feel my stomach churning with all that medicine in it. i kinda miss it.
one of the worst things about my life rn is everyone knows im depressed and suicidal, but because i wont admit to it they dont know how to help me. so they just speak to me in this annoying "how are u feeling?" tone of voice and i cant even hate them for it because i know they mean well. but its like every time my friends talk to me were not having a conversation, theyre doing a suicide risk assessment. i wish they would just leave me alone and let my isolate myself. but the only way to drive them away would be to start treating them like shit. and i love them to much to do that to them.so i just have to suffer through this fucking treatment. its like everyday is another day in the hospital and my friends and family are the nurses making sure i dont have any sharp objects.
i just wanna smoke my lungs away on imported spanish cigs and listen to depressing lowfi sadcore acoustic songs
i cannot fucking stand people who make everything about them and are constantly feeling sorry for themselves! can you please accept for once that YOU might be wrong, YOU might be being mean and horribe, YOU might be causing arguments, YOU might be ruining things fot other people. im the first to know if ive done something wrong, and i find it difficult to apologise with words but i try show it with my actions. he just calls people horrile cunts who dont care about his feelings. he just makes false promises and then gets mad when we feel let down. FUCK YOU. i hope he rots in hell. this kid needs anger management or something. its not normal to verbally lash out at people when theyre upset with you. i never even fucking said anything to him i just had tears in my eyes because i was fucking pissed and upset and his answer was to call me a dickhead and say i dont care about his feelings and think im so high and mighty. well yeah, maybe i do now, because youve shown your true colours (again, and again) and theyre not pretty. at least i know that, while i do bad things too and can be a cunt too, i always acknowlege it and try make it better. he can sleep easy knowing in the next morning he will be forgiven even though he hasnt apologised, just like it has happened a million times before. im so kind and always excusing his actions, and yet i tell him he was wrong and he flips out at me and tells me to kill myself. i fucking might one of these days i swear to god. sorry abt this rant i know no one wants to read shit like this because its depressing and i probably come across as a bitch but im just really mad and upset atm.
just checking in to say i had a kind of horrible day today. i got four hours sleep and had to wake up at 6am to go to help out at my dad's cafe. from theen i literally worked 8 hours with fifteen minutes for lunch. i was on my feet all day and barely ate or drank anything. by the time we got home at 3 my back and feet were killing me so i went to lay down, and no joke slept until 5:30pm, was woken up by my mum for dinner which i barely ate, then slept again until now, 9pm. yeah i onl got four hours sleep but i've now slept four hours today and am still tired. i'm also in a really shit mood, just super lethargic and down in the dumbs. AND i'm pissed at myself because i missed my brothers first day back at school and i had stuff to do today (apply for my driving test and enroll in uni courses) which i need to do as soon as possible. right now i really can't be bothered, but i'm gonna have to force myself to.
i've had such a weird couple of days. i've been playing animal crossing again, the nostalgia makes my heart hurt. my friend is moving away to another town soon for university, she'll be about 2 hours away. i'm gonna miss her so much. but her moving so soon has made me remember that i'm moving away too. it feels weird, i've spent this summer sort of just lazing about and not doing shit. and now it's about two weeks until i move away. i've always wanted this, i thought this would save my life. now i just want to curl up in my room (my real room, not some dorm) and sleep forever. not die, sleep.
it's 2am right now and i'm bored which means i should definetly go to sleep but i've started thinking about uni now and i can't stop. like.. i need a planner thing where i can plan out my days, like a bullet journal or something. uni is gonna be so much less structured than school so i'll need to do it all myself. when am i gonna find out who my roommates are? when am i gonna find out what clubs are available, and when do i join? will i be able to do loud things like playing bass without distrubing my roommates? how will the kitchen situation be? when will i know what textbooks i need to buy for my classes. what will my class sizes be like. whats my best way of taking notes? ughhhhhh i'm so stressed about this. i think i'm gonna try wake up early tomorrow and ask my parents if we can go to ikea or just do like stationary shopping? or even clothes shopping lmao because i don't really have many casual pairs of trousers. i also need to write out everything i'm bringing to uni, but idk what i'll be able to bring bc idk the room size or layout yet.
hey, so.. i move out tomorrow. i'm not even nervous or anything, i'm just so upset. i love my family and my room and just this safe haven i have. god, i'm not ready. i'm so not ready. i'm an hours bus journey away from home so it's not a big deal, i can just go home if i ever feel really homesick. but it feels like the end of a chapter. it's as if once i'm gone i'll never be able to return, not permenantly. i got my hair cut and dyed today in preperation for tomorrow. i wanted to go green but my hairdresser said it would take too long to bleach it all, so i just went a plum colour. i like it, but i would've preferred to be something lighter. oh well. she also gave me a super emo fringe for some reason, which i'm not complaining about. i've had some trouble with one of my friends the past week. we met up last week and i felt fine i guess? i never noticed anything, but i was high (and having a super bad experience). i thought she might've been pissed at me maybe, because i was kinda freaking out, but afterwards she texted me and didn't seem mad. anyway we had a really short conversation, and everything seemed fine. she moved out a couple of days later, so i texted her just saying goodbye i guess? and wishing her well. she's gonna be four hours away, so we probably wont see one another that often. anyway, she didn't reply to my text, which i was maybe a little bothered about but i brushed it off. then, yesterday she asked something on the groupchat, and i replied a bit later. she didn't say anything to me, which again i wasn't bothered about because my answer didn't need a reply. i did see that she had seen the message though. then, another friend also replied the next day, and she said to her "no worries gal x". i was upset by this because she hadn't replied to me but had to my friend, specifically talking JUST to that friend and not to me. so i was kinda bothered. she had been so persistent about us staying friends and always meeting up even after she moved away. and now she was gone and she was just ignoring me? anyway i texted her again today asking how she was getting on, and she still hasn't replied 12 hours later, even though she's been active on the group chat. i know it's not my phone, because i've texted other people and they got them. the only thing i can think is that she's pissed at me for some reason. i don't want to text her saying "are u mad at me" or whatever because i feel like that pisses people off. like, if she is mad she's just gonna lie and say she isn't right? she's not the kinda person to be rude to my face. i've been trying to think what i did wrong and i have no fucking idea. i think maybe she's just always kinda Not Liked me, and this is her oppertunity to cut contact. i know she really dislikes one of out other 'friends', although that girl is genuinely really horrible. i don't think i've done anything. it's just so hurtful because i felt so close to this girl, we were properly best friends and i'd rather fall out with her than have her just go silent like this. i know i have my other friends, and i'll make new friends when i move out and go to uni. but it's just really upsetting how people will just fucking drop out of your life when they meant so much to you. this sounds dumb and dramatic, but just a couple years ago i was writing suicide notes that blamed everyone else in my life but cited her as the one person who cared about me. and now i know it's the opposite. she has never fucking cared about me. it's all been fake. i'm so hurt about it, i really loved this girl. i guess it's been a busy week for her - she just moved out to a whole new town with new people - but you'd think she'd have a spare minute or so to like... give a shit about me. even a one word answer i wouldn't fucking care at this point i just want to know i'm not worthless to her. i lowkey wish she would read this and realise how hurtful what she's doing is. i know i'm maybe being hypocritical because i've ghosted people before, but never for a week, and never when they're actually asking me genuine questions, and not just sending me memes or whatever. like, i'm depressed as fuck, sometimes i just can't talk to anyone. they know this about me. but she's not like that. also so cool that i'm moving in on friday the 13th.
if i have to live every day of my life miserable and in pain, i'll do it. i'll do it for them. it would hurt them too much if i left. they'd blame themselves.
hey! it's been a long time since i've updated, but i've been so busy. i moved into my flat at uni, and i've made so many new friends and met so many new people. friday - wednesday i was out every night getting drunk, and saturday i got high. i had my first lectures today and they were boring as hell but whatever. anyway on wednesday i met a guy and went back to his place. we had sex (it was my first time) and it was good or whatever. but then the next day i stayed in and at 2:30am when i was trying to sleep he texted me. i didn't reply, and then he called me four times in a row. like.. ok. if i don't pick up the first time, or the second time, you don't need to keep calling. but i replied to him eventually and he asked to come over, i said no. then he asked if i would go to his place, i said no. he kept pushing it and eventually i just turned my phone off. anyway he texted me back the next morning apologising. i kinda want to see him again but idk because i was pretty drunk when we met. also i don't know how i would invite him over. idk. but anyway i've got this dumbass thing i do where i fall like head over heels in love with someone when they show me any amount of affection, until i see them again in real life, when all of a sudden i don't even fucking care about them any more. and so i passed him today walking to uni and i didn't have time to say anything but hello but like.. bruh. but i love my flatmates so much, and i've met some really cool people. the only issue is i met all those people when i was super drunk, and i don't even know if we'd get along sober. although i've had a good time thus far, so hopefully uni goes well.
imma b honest i think i'd make a very good functioning alcoholic. yes i'm drunk right now. yes it's a monday night and i'm sitting at home.
hmmmm hello again. it's friday night right now, two of my roommates are away home and two are out clubbing right now. we were having pre drinks together in our flat and like they're the loveliest girls in the world. i'm 17 so i need to find fake id, and they were like "girl just come out we'll find someone on the street for u". its 1am now and i can here people outside yelling and stuff. i wish i was going out :( and it's even worse because i have to go home again tomorrow. i've been at uni for three weeks i think now? and i've had to go home every weekend for some reason or other. i love my family and stuff but it's exhausting, i want to spend time with my new friends. and it's always crap coming back on the monday and hearing how much fun everyone had over the weekend. oh well. i failed my driving test yesterday. it was so stupid, i fucked up majorly in the first five minutes (nearly ran a red light) and then drove perfectly for the next hour. i had only four faults for the whole test, and they were all within those first five minutes. i'm mostly pissed because the test costs like 70 quid. i was sorta okay with it this time but if i don't pass next time i'm gonna be really upset. i don't even like driving, i mean when am i ever gonna drive? i don't have a car, can't afford a car, definetly wont be getting one for my birthday or anything lmao. i get about fine with the bus and train. whatever. i had a good day. a friend of mine who i was like, super in love with a few years ago got a girlfriend. i'm super happy for her because she really likes this girl but... idk. she texted me a couple days ago just asking how i was doing and stuff (she lives a couple hours away now so we haven't seen each other in ages) and i was like oh ok. i'm still whipped. but idk if it's just like a friendship love or what. oh well. whatever. i'm not bothered. like really i don't care that she's got a gf, actually i'm happy because she's happy and they're cute together and everything. OH WELL. the more i think about it the more i'll convince myself i'm upset, so i'm just not gonna focus too hard on it. i managed to get my blades back last night so i cut myself for the first time in weeks. it wasn't something to be proud or happy about but.. i was. i didn't even do it because i was upset or mad or anything. i was just so excited to have my blades i thought i'd celebrate somehow? hurting myself shouldn't be my way of celebrating, but whatever. i also need to buy a scale. i have no clue where i would get one for cheap, but i'm really struggling not being able to weigh myself. especially because i don't even have a measuring tape to take my measurements. doesn't really matter. i'm happy now.
this is a little bit of a strange update but i think it must be said. the band waterparks released a new album recently, and it's really good, but also like, really horny and depressed. which is bad for me, because i've smoked more weed in the past three days than i have like ever, and weed makes me very horny and depressed. so now i'm horny and depressed whenever i smoke, AND whenever i listen to the album. which is like always because it's a really good album. which is annoying because i'm falling behind on uni work because i'm too busy being horny and depressed. ok thanks for checking in guys.
OMG i'm just soooooo happy with my life right now!!! i know i was depressed like five minutes ago and now i'm like super manic happy!! idk if it's actually another 'manic' phase bc i haven't had one of those in like over a year but!!! i'm happy! so i'm gonna list why: i got my bridge pierced the other day! if you dont know what a bridge piercing is it's basically through the skin of my nose right between my eyes. its super cool! its been bleeding a little which is normal but kinda a pain because i have to clean the dried blood off. also i bought a pack of cigarettes the other day! i know this isnt somehting to be happy or proud of and definetly dont start smoking PLEASE but i'm a social smoker and im 17 so when someone told me the SPAR near me didnt ID i decided to just go and give it a shot and i got it! ive only smoked one so far (and didnt smoke at all today). im trying to keep it to a pack a week, if not less. i just get the cravings sometimes, and so its nice to have it there if i need it. i think im really good at managing addictive substances like smoking, alcohol and drugs, even tho addiction runs in my family. tomorrow im at uni and im planning to go to the library after with a friend. then on wednesday one of my best friends ever who went to a uni way up north is coming back home so all my best friends from high school are meeting up and im so excited!! we havent all been together in like over a month and i miss them :). then this weekend (i think saturday?) im going with a friend to a halloween party. i know its a little early for a halloween party so idk if its gonna be full-on or if the halloween thing is just an excuse to get mad drunk. but im super excited because i havent gone out in AGESSS. since most poeple at uni are 18 everyones idea of a night out is going out clubbing, whereas in highschool there were always house parties to go to. ive really missed getting drunk with friends, so thats gonna be funnn. and then someone ive met at uni who has a january birthday said he has plans to go out clubbing for his birthday so ive got that to look forward to in the future. AND ive got tickets to see waterparks in january too! and this guy i know online but have never met is going too so i might see him! ive just had such a good time since being at uni. im surrounded by cool people. ive always felt very subtly alone in the world. i knew i wasnt the only weird person out there but i never met people with my same brand of weirdness. but now i have :) i have people i feel i can genuinely talk to, people ive only known for a month but i feel like i almost get along better with them than with friends i had for years back home. im so comfortable living on my own, i ahve so much more freedom to be myself and do what i want. ive started leaving the house and going out on walks without an express purpose, just because i want to. i never realised how much i used to isolate myself. i used to never leave the house unless i had a specific reason to, but now im doing stuff because i just want to hang out with friends or get out of my room. i dont need to ask permission to do stuff. i just do it. and halloween is coming soon, then my birthday, then christmas. the only thing im not looking forward to right now is my birthday, because when i turn 18 that'll be like.. okay, now i cant sing along to all the songs about being 17. like dancing queen by abba, or girls by the 1975, or seventeen by peach pit. and thats the most shallow, not serious thing ever. i have nothing but good things coming in my life. well, i guess i have exams coming up, but i feel pretty prepared, like i'm on top of my uni work. i just cant belive how well my life is going right now. its better than i ever could have hoped for. im just so endlessly happy.
i got very very high last night and wrote myself some messages. the guy i was with read them and i didnt realise how depressing they seemed until he was saying the words out loud. i just had loads of nostalgic flashbacks to when i was sick and in hospital as a kid, and also i think maybe memories of csa, but idk if those ones were real memories or just my imagination. i had a good night but i dont remember bits of it, and i also just felt super ashamed and depressed for a lot of it. but im now kinda convinced that this guy im friends with is into me, which is annoying because were JUST friends and i dont want to mess up the friendship because i do like him as a person, just not in that way. last night me and him went to a halloween party and we only knew one other person there. she was super nice and i think she was flirting with me but we were only there for five minutes because then he was like "oh we should go a walk", and i told the girl we would be back but we ended up not coming back, which was kinda sad because shes cute. ill see her at uni, but i mean... feel like i lost my chance lmao. i just think that im well suited to being alone. i might scan the pages i wrote when i was high and upload them here so yous can read them. theyre kinda crazy though.
theres the pages i wrote two nights ago: warning, they're dumb as shit.
finding out one of ur best friends hates u is kinda bad but finding out one of ur best friends hates u just after you've eaten a whole unnecessary meal and u can feel it weighing down in your stomach is even worse :))))))
i'm trying to focus on the positives. its november (e.g. christmas time!!!), i'm not in as much contact with that group of friends any more, she immediately texted me telling me she didnt mean anything bad about me, i have two amazing friends right now who i'm going to see tomorrow and who i love so much. i know im just being over dramatic but its hard when someone was such a huge part of ur life for 6 years and now u feel like they hated you all along. plus ive had a terrible week because uni was off and my two uni friends both went home for the entire of last weekend and this week. they literally just got back tonight. but ill see them tomorrow and itll be okay. plus maybe i can convince one of them to come to the concert with me in february. also tonight i watched a tv show with my flatmates and it was fun and i was happy. i am happy. i am happy. i am.. i swear to god i am. ill force myself to be, i dont want to feel sick any more. today was the first day i felt depressed in weeks, i cried, i really couldve cut myself for the first time in like a month. but i wont. im okay. im happy.
updated weedpages again. my life has been shit lately which is why i havent updated in so long and why this update is so short. i have so much to say but i am just so depressed right now. ive been cutting alot lately. i sorta stopped for like ages and was only doing it (very) on and off, like once a month. now my legs fucking hurt, i hate getting in the shower because it burns, i keep bleeding on my bedsheets. whatever, at least im getting high like at least five times a week. an old friend is coming over thursday and were smoking. i love her, so i guess i have that.
the annoying thing is i'm not even depressed, my life is just shit and so my emotional state represents that. pills won't help me because there's nothing wrong me. the only thing that could fix me is if every bad thing in my life just dissapeared. and we know that isn't gonna happen any time soon.
when i think about my life right now as a whole, i know this is just a moment. a period, a phase that is going to pass sooner or later. but these phases pass, then return, pass, then return. an endless cycle. inevitably as soon as one is over another one is triggered. right now i know i mostly only feel this way because i'm back home again. i'm 30 days clean from self harm, and it was easy after the first week save a few bad nights. but now, i don't know if it's gonna be so easy any more. the bad thoughts are coming back, filling that dusty old space in my mind where they always lived. really, they never left. they've just been dormant. i star at my thighs, and wish the gap was bigger. i wrap my fingers round my wrist, trace my collarbones. i feel sick when i see a plate of food in front of me. i'm losing weight. i thought i was over this. all i can think of is how nobody could do anything if i did start cutting again. i always kept it so hidden away, just on my thighs so no one could see. but they all know i'm fucked up. i'll slash my arms, my wrists, my hands, my face and neck. nobody can do anything to stop me. they all think i'm so fucked up anyway, that won't change anything. i'll only make me feel better to see the wounds on my skin. they're all out tonight, all my old 'friends'. drinking, dancing, laughing. i'm here, hanging out my bedroom window, cigarette in hand. the neighbours can see my, my parents can smell the smoke. they know i'm crazy. they all know i'm crazy. the worst think was that they tried to keep it hidden from me, as if i wouldn't find out what they all had planned. they let it slip. they knew it would hurt me, and did nothing to console me. all i can hope is that they see the scars and know exactly who caused them. when i die, it won't be a case of "it wasn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done to help her." everyone in my life will know that they played some part in killing me, and if they did better, tried harder, treated me nicer, then they wouldn't have my life on their conscience. they all deserve to suffer just a fraction of what i am suffering right now. do i sound crazy? do i sound fucking manic? god, i could take my rage out on them right now. if they were within reach, nothing there to stop me, i would tear right through them. anything to make them feel just an ounce of what i do. i've made it to 18 - better than i thought i ever would - but that doesn't mean i'm going to last. that doesn't mean i'm over it. it wasn't just a silly teenage phase. i can't understand how i made it through those years, but i did. not purposefully, but by accident. i had it all planned, the suicide note, the method. maybe i'll publish it all here one day, but god, they're embarassing. filled with lamentations for my life. my sad, beautiful life that i'm going to have to leave behind. but now i know theres nothing here that i could ever miss. ill be glad to be free of it all, even if that means i feel nothing at all. id rather float in the void than exist with the meager offerings of happiness that this universe has allowed me. i have never been truly happy in this life. every moment of joy has the incoming sadness looming over it. like a wave crashing down on you. all you can do is wait, and pray that it doesn't wash you away. but i'm being washed away this time. i can feel it's arms around my waist, squeezing the breath out of me, shaking me til i'm dizzy and hurting. let me go. let me go. but it never does, and it never will. those hands will always be there, waiting. all i can do is lie back and let them drag me away. untie the noose that's holding me to land, and let myself float away into the open ocean to drown.