lmaoo i was talking to my friend last night and he pointed out two animal crossing characters he thought were cute, and then i said "of course you think they're cute, you liked emily in stardew valley". and i don't even know how she's related to the animal crossing characters in any way but from her i was like 'omg he's really just into the manic pixie dream girls' so i asked what he thought of ramona flowers and he said she was cute, and then i thought this was a long shot but i asked about kate winslet in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (because she and ramona are like. the epitome of manic pixie dream girls) and he said YEAH she's cute! i found it so hysterical, not that i don't think any of those characters are cute but his type is literally just manic pixie dream girl, and not to cycle back round to talking about me again but i have always wanted to be someones manic pixie dream girl lmfaoooo.
i never thought i would be one of those people that relies on other people for their self worth. not that there's anything wrong with being that type of person (well, there is, but not in the sense that it's like, morally wrong (can you tell i've done nothing but write a philosophy essay for the last three days?)) but i just never thought that was me. well, i guess i was wrong. i don't know how i never realised it before. but i was feeling super super shit today, and then i put a picture of my collarbones on my ed tumblr and i realised how much like... terrible misplaced joy i feel whenever i get guys messaging me trying to get me to send nudes everytime i post a bodycheck. like, i know they're horrible people and what they are doing is horrible, but knowing that people are sexually attracted to me (no matter how fetishistic that attraction is) is such a fucking confidence boost. and i realised when i got that rush just there, i really really rely on other people for my own happiness and self worth. i think it's just because i'm maybe not in the best place mentally right now. but when am i not?
i just want someone to love me! i don't want to miss out on that.
hey so... there's this guy i know really well now, i've mentioned him a couple times here (but never my name i don't think). anyway we're close, and i really like him. we have a few dumb arguments here and there, but they're literally so dumb and pointless and we always laugh about them like ten minutes later. so, anyway, we we're driving about last night (in my car, with my petrol, might i add) and of course when we're in my car it's my music that's on most often, and he just gets to queue things up occasionally. it's fine, i say we get a decent chunk of his music. but... well, his music is kinda not my thing. this isn't to offend anyone with this taste, but he listens to that kinda shoegaze dreampop soft indie stuff like alex g and the japanese house. some of it's okay, but mostly i really don't vibe with it. you can see my music taste on my music page, but basically it's a lot heavier i guess? more rock songs. and so that's usually what's coming on in the car. and you know, i never thought he had too much issue with my music taste. but we were in the car, and he had a song on, and i asked him to queue up everlong by the foo fighters bc i just love it soo much. and he took my phone and as far as i knew he did it. but we had to wait for his song to finish. and i wanted to listen to everlong specifically on the motorway, and we're only really on the motorway for like 10 maybe 15 minutes? so i asked him when his song was gonna end (i'm just realising how dumb this argument is, but still... it upset me. also not saying that i was perfect here and not also being kinda a bitch. because i was. i just think what he said was worse.) and the first time he didn't answer me. the next time i asked he just said it was long, and we were already four minutes in so i felt a bit not great about it. but i didn't say anything. it was dissapearing by the war on drugs if anyone wants to know. and he said, "can you just leave the song alone and let it play? because you're about to put everlong on which is really long. it's actually four minutes which is slightly longer than a normal song, but i swear every song he'd put on that night had been at least four minutes (i'm not exaggerating lmao). and so i started to speak, like you do when you're stoned, not really thinking about it, and i said "well everlong is a good song" and then i dug the hole even deeper by saying "i didn't mean that. not that everlong is a good song but i didn't mean to imply that this was a shit song. i take it back." and he went fucking OFF on me! i literally had just apologised for (indirectly) calling the song shit and then he fucking yelled at me like "just let the fucking song play i know it's your car and all but every fucking night i have to sit here and listen to your shit music, just give me the chance to listen to some good night music that doesn't have fucking screaming in it." like damn, okay. that wasn't a direct quote but he said something very similar, only i think he went on a bit longer. so great. i shut up the rest of the song, and then the next song, and the next. and you know what? i asked him to queue everlong, and it never played. we pulled off the motorway listening to more of his shite, and then the whole way home i was skipping every song i knew he would hate but that i loved, eventually getting to a song i thought he would like but that i didn't. it was horrible, complete awkward silence. and then he apologised for snapping at me. but i know him, and i know how he apologises when he wants to make sure you're not hurt. and this wasn't it. he knew he really hurt me this time, and yet he said "sorry i really snapped at you there." and i said "yeah you were really mad." and that was it. this guy is the king of over apologising for the smallest thing. but now he knows he actually did something wrong, and he said that half hearted shit. i know people will read this and probably just think i'm being a bitch and that i was in the wrong, but it just really hurt me not only to hear him snap at me like that and then not apologise, but what he said. like, my music means a lot to me. a lot. he knows that. i'm nice to him. i go out of my way to do things for him. but you know, underneath i always had this sneaking suspicion that he has a lot of pent up rage. you know he's one of those 'too nice guys'. and i just knew. i know some of his sexual habits, and you see it there too. he's got all this fucking male agression that you can let out normally and safely, but he doesn't. he holds it in, and he lets it out like that when he thinks it's 'safe' and 'normal' to when he's having sex, or it bursts out like that. i don't mean to be offensive by this, because i honestly don't know if i believe it, but like he's just another shred of proof about how fucking agressive some men can be. like it's built in their genes to just be fucking angry assholes. all the men in my life that i've known well have been like that. none of my female friends have been like that (well, all but one i guess). but all through my life, all the men i've known have been so so fucking angry. and some are better at hiding it than others, or letting it out in healthy ways. but most of them? most of them have no fucking clue how to deal with that emotion. and i'm not saying this like i'm any better, because i'm not. but at least when i get that anger i take it out on myself rather than the people around me. i didn't argue back with him in the car, i seethed silently and got home and did everything i could not to cut myself because that's what i do when i'm mad. i hurt myself. and it's not great, but in my eyes it's a million times better than hurting someone else. i'd rather die than hurt other people with my anger like that. it's the most horrible emotion. i wish i could cut it out of me.
hello again. i saw just a moment ago that this thing has 9,000 views. it's strange, to me i've always treated this as some kind of secret diary. of course i don't know how many people have viewed this specific page, or if anyone has even bothered to read any of it. it must be boring.. i am glad it's still so early in february. i wish time would stand still for me.
tomorrow is valentines day. and, well, i've been doing this thing again that i've done so many times before, but it's not usually this intense. i'm falling in love. i need to clarify that it's not real love, not like normal people feel. i've never felt that before and i don't know if i ever will. maybe this is all i can manage. but i am beginning to obsess. i feel like he is the only one i can confide in (although i haven't done too much confiding as of yet.) it is different from usual as i find it hard to talk to people one on one most of the time. but with him.. it comes so naturally. we just work together. but we're better off as friends. i know it, and i think maybe he does too. he was interested before, a few months back, but at that point i wasn't. and now i am, and i think he's over it. he's never said anything before, but i can tell from the way he acts around me. i need more time to think. but even if it was real love, i could never let it happen. for both or our sakes.
i finsihed reading laura palmer's diary today. and boy do i relate to her. she spoke of things i've never heard spoken about before. i knew other people felt those things, sure, but i've never heard anyone say them. to see all my deepest, darkest feelings just laid out on a page like that was jarring, yet comforting. someone else knows how i feel. if you haven't read it, you must. it doesn't even really spoil any of the show. not too much anyway, mostly just things you find out in the first episode. it wasn't the best written book in the world, but her emotions were just so real.
these entries must be so uninteresting to read. maybe this really is my secret little diary. right out in the open, but with nothing much to say. who cares to read it? i have work to do, and i'm hungry. have i mentioned yet how i think i could be delusional or something? i don't know if i have, but sometimes i look back at the shit i wrote here, or in my actual notebooks and... it scares me, and confuses me. i don't know that person. saying things, believeing things that are just not true. that are crazy. i have this obsession with jesus, and sometimes i think i am him, or should have been him. but that shit's insane. i'm saying this so that if anyone does read these things they know to take everything i say with a pinch of salt. especially the crazier stuff.
this place is a SHITHOLE. there's fucking nothing to do here and i have to spend the time with my family doing fuck all instead of hanging out with my friends having fun. plus the whole fucking reason we're here is so my brother can shag is girlfriend who lives 200 miles away and he's just told me that he doesn't love her and wants to go home early and break up with her. FUCK. i mean jesus, i had a concert this weekend and i had to cancel that cause of this 'holiday' and then two days before we left my brother broke up with her and cancelled the trip, then a day later got back with her and wanted to go see her again. and now we're here and he wants to go home. and we're gonna go home and then he'll break up with her and then they'll get back together and I'M gonna be the one that has to clean up the mess because i 'deal with him' better than anyone else. fucking hell i'm missing half my classes on monday because we can't go home on the sunday for some reason because of course nobody thought about me. my brother hasn't gone to school since it started back up for christmas so it's not a big deal for him, my mum doesn't work monday and it's easy for my dad to get the day off. but me? nah, who gives a fuck. i mean, jesus. jesus, i have shit to do. i have essays due in two weeks that are worth 40% of my grade. i need to be in class. i feel like the kid in what's eating gilbert grape. gilbert, not arnie. and i feel like laura palmer. i feel like hell. and god, earlier i was kinda in a shit mood i don't know why i just was. and my mum said "oh it's cause she wants a fag" like FUCK YOU. that's the same kinda belittling shit she's always done only now she knows about the smoking she can focus on that. i'm not mad because i want a cigarette. i'm mad because my whole family is getting on my nerves and i miss my friends and i have to spend the weekend HERE i want to fucking kill myself i have to share a room with my brother and i know that's not a big deal but i feel like on top of everything i can't fucking handle having to listen to his breathing all night. maybe i'll sleep on the couch. anyway anyway anyway. i'm doing this to avoid talking to anyone. maybe tonight or tomorrow i'll go a walk about the town myself, smoke some, whatever. see if there's any little bookshops.
i'm on the train right now, a 3 hour train to inverness, which is up north. that means we have to go through loads of countryside. it's fun, i like train journeys. i think maybe when i'm older i'll buy random long distance train tickets and just go and look at the sights. i've been reading laura palmer's diary. i started reading it before and loved it but never finished it. i started from the beginning again, and i haven't yet got on to any of the new stuff. but it's interesting. when i first read this, i didn't realise how much i understand and relate to laura. jennifer lynch did a very good job of getting all the feelings right. i won't spoil it, but if you've seen twin peaks, you know what laura went through. and if you haven't seen twin peaks, you should. it's deeper than it seems from the outside. you could maybe even read the diary on it's own. i don't know how interesting it would be, and if you could understand it without the context of the show. but it's very sad and very true. we passed some snow-topped hills about half an hour ago, maybe about 10 or 15 of them, one after the other. they weren't particularly tall, not mountains. but they were barren and cold and white, white almost all the way down to the base, even though i haven't really seen it snow much at all this year. we've passed parallel to many roads where i've seen old dusty camper vans driving about carrying friends on adventures. i'd like to do that too. although i am so infatuated with the idea of travelling to foreign countries where i don't know nothing and it doesn't know me. but staying closer to home would be fun too. i live in a wonderful country. i should appreciate it more.
addition: i thought i was done, but we just stopped at one of the stations and i saw a man get off where he met his family. a boy ran up to meet him and hugged him so tight while a woman looked on smiling, with another young boy by her side. another person who got off was greeted by their dog, who leaped up to see them face to face. i hope some day that i can have that, people who love me and come to meet me when i get off the train. my stop is the next one, so i'm going to put my stuff away now and just watch the scenery.
i've been feeling pretty horrible lately. i don't know what it is about my life right now that's triggering it, but i find myself sunk deep back into the depression i expereinced worse when i was about 14-16. i don't know if it's a seasonal thing, or the fact that over christmas i spent several weeks back home and got into the routine of that before having to uproot myself again to come back to uni. i don't know if it's the pressure of uni work, which didn't effect me nearly as bad last semester. i don't know. and it's the worst feeling ever. i have so much work to do tonight and i've spent most of the day feeling like crap and doing fuck all. i had an accidental two hour nap earlier. i even skipped my last lecture today for no damn reason. and here's the worst thing. i have my bridge peirced, which is the area of my nose between my eyes. i love that piercing so damn much. it can be a nuisance, but i love it. i got it in october so it's pretty much healed up by now, at least enough that i can take the bar out without it closing up straight away. so today i get into the shower, and i decide to take the bar out to make it easier to clean the actual piercing. i spent a bit longer than i needed to in the shower, but i still think i was only like a half hour? so i come out, and pretty much the first thing i do i try put the bar back in. and it won't go. i can get it about half way, and then it stops. i kept trying for ages, but eventually started feeling faint so i lay down for a bit. then i tried again, really pushing as hard as i could. it wouldn't budge, and if i spent too long trying i would start to feel dizzy and sick. so i had to give up, and now i don't have a bridge piercing anymore i guess. i'm feeling a bit better about it now, but earlier i was so so damn sad. like... i really loved that thing. it was so cool and unique, and i think it suited me. and now it's gone, and honestly i don't think i'd get it repierced again. especially if it would be going through scar tissue. i think the risk of rejection a second time would be too high. anyway, i only started writing this to hopefully get the bad feeling off my chest so i could continue with my work, which i'm gonna do now. it's 10pm, and i still have two articles i need to read and take notes on :(.
something weird happened to me today. we were talking about eye contact, about how i struggle with it, and my friend brought up a story about a guy he knows who's autistic. and i just said "yeah i think i'm probably mildly autistic too, just from living with my brother (who is), i've ended up picking up a lot of the traits." okay, so it wasn't exactly true. i'm diagnosed autistic, even though i expicitly said to them that i didn't have a diagnosis. but it's the most i've ever come clean to anyone ever about my autism. and i wasn't even scared to do so. i guess i must really trust these people now. funny.
i've been listening to 'the sea is a good place to think of the future' by los campesinos! they took it off apple music :/ but it's still on spotify so it's not all bad. the song really describes me right now.
i put out issue 2 of GODBOG today! no one has to read it, it's not exactly good. i think i've made the resolution to record music for real now. i don't know when exactly, but hopefully sometime before/during this summer at the latest.
i've got a funeral tomorrow, so i'll have to wake up early. i've got the chance to see the body, but i don't think i will. it'll feel false. i know he isn't going to look dead. he'll be all done up, just sleeping. it feels disrespectful in a way, to lie like that. deny death even though we all know it. i'd be willing to see him post death maybe, but not when he's been made up to look alive again. i can't really be bothered with the whole thing. i'm having to miss out on uni, and i just want to laze about and wallow in this. if i go out i'll have to eat :(. oh well, i'll check in later i suppose. i always think i'm going to keep these entries brief, but they never are.
it's been a while. i have so much to say. first of all, i don't want to leave january. 01 is a nice month.
i relapsed with self harm three days ago. i was fifty days clean. the worst part is, i'm not really sure why i did it. fifty days, wasted. for no reason. it was nice to see the blood again, but that's all. nice.
i got stopped by the police last thursday. me and a friend were parked by the side of the road in a little car park sort of thing at about 10pm. we had two joints with us, one of which we'd smoked a bit of. i always sit for about an hour or even more before i start driving, and so we were just sitting there when the police van pulled up beside us. i put down the window, and the officer (there were two) told me he could smell the weed. i just said "yes". he asked how i would get home and i told him i'd drive once i felt ready to. he told me i wasn't going to be driving. he said he was gonna get a female officer to come search me, and i would be detained. then he said the little "you have the right to remain silent" bit. i was a little scared at first, because i don't like authority, so i was that way where i have the tears in my eyes and i can feel how hot and flushed my face is. i'm glad it was dark and cold outside. after i bit i realsied though that it was stupid to be scared. we handed over the joints when he asked for them, and he said it smelled like i had more. i told him i didn't, which was true. then he said "i recognise you, lucy. have you been in trouble with police before." and i was angry because i hadn't, i have never met him in my life and he was just trying to get me to confess to any criminal record i had. so i told him, no i've never met you, i've never been in trouble with police. then we had to get the bus home, and because it was late it was the last bus and it stopped the route half way home. so we had to get out and get an uber. that night i was really upset with myself. but now i don't really care. we're lucky he let us go.
my grandpa died on saturday. it was odd, i was coming home that weekend for my cousins birthday. i came into the house, and it was silent other than my dog running to see me. i had just left after christmas the week before and my parents cried, so i didn't know why they weren't excited to see me. i went into the kitchen and there was my mum and dad. my mum had been crying. at first i was scared that my oldest cat was dead, since he's about twelve. but then she said my grandpa was dead. i didn't know how to react. i mostly just thought 'oh'. i felt no emotion, or if i did i couldn't recognise it. i didn't feel like crying. even that night, alone in my room, i didn't cry. i barely even thought about it. i felt funny though. i didn't want to think about it. i ended up not going to my cousins birthday thing because i knew the family would ask me. and i wasn't so much upset as i was awkward. if they asked me, what would i say? could i walk the tightrope of acting slightly mournful without being too depressing or too upbeat? i didn't think so. and now, it's funny, i'm reading the outsider by albert camus, and the book starts with the characters mother dying, and he doesn't really care. he thinks very much the same way as i do, which is why it's a funny coincidence that i'm reading it now. the sad thing is though, he knew he was going to die. he kept asking my mum to come over and make him tea or meals even though he's in a care home where they can do that stuff for him. he wasn't in need, he just wanted to spend time with his kids before he died. but my mum was mad about how needy he was, and resisted him. she didn't see him as much as she could or should have, and i think she's guilty about it. she's good at not showing it though. we're very similar people.
last night i went out clubbing with my friends n it was like... it was good but i was with one of my best friends and then two girls who i knew but not super well, whereas they all knew one another way better. so anyway it was dead fun and i especially got on well with the girl i knew least which was cute, but anyway at the start of the night one of the girls was having some 'drama' or 'tea' or whatever n so was showing the other girls her phone n like.. whisper chatting to them n they were all "omg wtf, thats crazy girl" and i was like oh what is it? n she was just like oh its private its nothing and i was like.. girl i know its not nothing. if youre gonna talk about this try at least be discreet about it or do it when im not there? or something idk. anyway the night was good and met some cute boys lmao but by the end of the night we kinda got split up and i was with the girl who had the tea earlier n she just seemed really upset and down in the dumps n i was like oh whats up are u okay? and she just wouldnt tell me and i know this is super mean and rude and i kinda feel bad for her but at the same time like.. at least put on a happy face until you get home and can break down. idk. god knows i've done it plenty of times so..... Anyway we meet up togther again and this time theres some random american boy with us that none of us know but he kinda seemed like a creep and was really really desperate to graft even though it was 4am like.. the nights over bro. anyway he pulled me onto his lap and his hand was up my skirt which i wasnt complaining about bc im a slut n i was drunk so.. whatever lol. but anyway i was kissing him and i just heard the other girls like.. doing that "omg! look!" squeal laughing thing n i was like gals just let me pull him he spoke italian lmao. but he really wanted to come home w me and i was like no im getting a taxi boy bye. but the girls made me call TWO taxis then an uber and i know its because the girl who was upset just really wanted to get home but i was like.. theyre coming. i know theyre coming. just give it like at least another ten mins. but anyway we got home fine and i woke up this morning slightly hungover but mostly okay. and the thing was it was a good night and i have no regrets but just five minutes ago i was sitting downstairs with my brother and out of nowhere i knew i was gonna break down. so i had to go up to my room and i put on an album (hesitant alien by gway) and i just started SOBBING like crouched down curled up rocking back and forward silent gasping sobs. and then five mins later i was good. its been a while since i cried like that. usually im crying at movies and stuff so i liked having a real cry, but it was just weird that it came out of nowhere. i also was struggling to breathe and thought i might have been having a panic attack? but i dont think it was serious enough to be that, idk. anyway i feel mostly fine now, it just kinda confused me that i was like. rock bottom ready to self harm or kms and then afterwards i had like a hysterical joy and now im just chill like. girl your mood swings.. ok :/. ANYWAY sorry this entry is so dumb but like.. i go back to uni today and so i have to pack i just really needed to get this out. maybe its the stress of last night and going to uni today thats doing this. i feel like a little girl again. i dont want to grow up, and i dont want to leave home. whatever. ill get over it.
i have so much to say lately. i think just a lot of things are aligning in my life and causing my emotions to go haywire. i'm feeling very stressed out and sick to my stomach, like i'm five or ten years younger. i don't like this. i am overthinking things, and no matter how much i try to distract myself i can't seem to. i'm afraid of the future again. i would do anything to live in this moment. to die in this moment. if i felt nothing more after right now i would be happy. i would have no regrets, i would just be thankful to avoid what comes next. i know i won't survive much longer. my life is barreling downhill at top speed, and it has been my whole life. it's only a matter of time before i crash land at rock bottom. and when i do, there will be nothing holding me back. i know i am going to kill myself. i'm just waiting for the right motivations to do it. i've done my mourning. i've accepted what will become of my life. there's no use being sad over it, or trying to change it. it is fate. i can only hope that after i die, i don't fade into oblivion. or at least, my memory doesn't. whatever happens to me doesn't matter, i'll be dead. but i want people to think of me. not just the people who know me. i want to leave my mark on the world, but not while living. maybe i will have to write some poetry or paint some paintings that will be discovered and become famous after i die. maybe i'll have to kill myself in the strangest way, so people keep talking about it. maybe i'll have to get myself killed. people love to talk about murderers. some how, some way, i want people to remember me. that's just about the only thing stopping me from dying right here and now. sol pais was remembered. is remembered. i know it's so basic neocities goth girl of me to bring up her name. it's almost disrespectful. but what happened to her, i want more than anything for myself. even though her fate was horrible, and i grieved the circumstances almost as much as i grieved her death itself, i want that. i want to suffer that fate. i would do anything for it.
i feel like a new woman. all i needed was a good cry (so good i thought my brains were gonna come out my nose); a good movie, a romance that doesn't really end in romance; a 3000 calorie binge; and some good nostalgic music from 2014. god i'm like.. i'm like more fucking invigorated than i've ever been in my life. i can hear things i've never heard before, feel things i haven't felt in years. everything in my life is so crystal clear, it's like getting a pair of glasses finally when i've had bad eyesight for years. it's like those colourblind kids who get the glasses to finally see colour for the first time in their damn life. i feel like i've just discovered something new. like i've just tasted spice for the first time, and i'm so blown away by the existence of flavour. i know this feeling will be gone by morning, but for now i am electric. i am like billy elliot when he describes dancing. i don't rememebr any of my old life. i don't want to rememebr. i will block out that thought forever. all i want is my childhood, and now. the inbetween means nothing to me. i am reinventing myself. i am someone new today. i am who i could've been if i'd chosen a different path. that's who i'm going to be. what i would've grown up to be if i didn't do all the things i did. i am reverse butterfly effecting my life. i am taking away all those little details that shaped me into who i am, and i'm making myself anew. i don't even know if i make sense. as you read this, can you understand the feeling i'm trying to convey? i don't know. it's so new, so foreign to me that i can't even rely on cliches and conventions to easily explain to you what i mean. i hope you can understand, despite how clumsy my description is. it is a beautiful feeling. slightly sad, but refreshing, like i've just plunged my bare face into the snow. clean. i feel clean. a plain white t shirt. anything can happen.
a new thought:
i am alone in a relationship with mother nature. he is a physical being in my mind, but not like a human being. some different kind of physical thing. what i mean is i can feel him, mother nature, even though physically he isn't there. i'm like a nun married to god. they're not actually together, but they are in a comitted relationship. this isn't some kind of political statement about climate change or something lmao. i just mean in my mind right now i am in a relationship with mother nature, who defys all human comprehension. even i can't comprehend him. but i'm still with him. this sounds so fucking crazy and i know it. i really am delusional, and not in the cool way. just in the weird way.
lately i've been so obsessed with the idea of a romance. i long for it desperately. it's funny, i don't know what's triggered all of this. there have been many events in my life over the past few months that could have, and maybe even should have inspired these feelings. but now? there's nothing i can see that could have caused it. it is comletely spontaneous. but i can't stop thinking about it. i am truly lost in the idea. alone or with others, occupied or not. it's all i can think. all i can see, anywhere i go. every movie i watch seems to focus on it, every book i read, every song i listen to, every person i see. everything around me embodies this romance that i am longing for. it isn't even for anyone specific. in fact, i think if i was faced with the oppertunity in real life for this kind of thing, i would shy away from it. but i feel it in the pit of my stomach that, right now, i need this. the bonnie and clyde, sid and nancy, kurt and courtney. i need to fall so deep and hard and fast that, even if i can see that things are going wrong, our feelings for one another hold it all together. we'll snap eventually, sure, but in the moment we are whirlwind, non-stop. a hurricane of emotion poruing out of both of us, two twisters meeting in the middle, intertwining. i never did like her before, but this is the kind of mood that lana del rey writes the score for. i long for it to stop. i can't stand to feel this way when it's all in my head. i need it to be real. at least tomorrow i will be drunk and free and surrounded by old friends and strangers. nothing will happen, i'm sure, but the connection will make me feel better. placate me until i grow out of this mindset.
[enter a new thought]
i must apologise for waxing poetic like this. i really don't know what has come over me. it may seem pretentious, or stupid. when i read this back in later months or years i will surely be cringing at my word choice. but for now, it's the only way i can think about everything in my head. like a thin veil, the guise of romantic flowery language disguising that this is my life. my fucked up broken life. maybe it's the fact that i sit alone at half past midnight drinking a week old dark fruit cider. god! the memory is stale but fresh all at once. cider in my tea, trying not to cry. and in a way, the thoughts i was having way back then were just the naive, underdeveloped versions of the ones i'm having now. everything is coming together to paint a bittersweet picture of nostalgia in my mind. a memory brought to life by crafted coincidence. every moment i have ever felt this way all at once. a little lost girl, lonely and cold, but wanting. longing. god, i would do anything to be warm. to be what they wanted. the 'they' changes with every memory. sometimes the 'they' is so underdeveloped that i can't even visualise them. but the feeling is always picture perfect and identical, no matter how the circumstances change. i have always longed, and i will continue to long for the rest of my life. i imagine even if i am satisfied for a period, it won't last. it's in my nature to want for more than i can ever have. not greed or gluttony. i don't want more than i need. i need more than i can have. i am destined to live out my life this way, no matter how much i try to fix it. i imagine if i was a fictional character who didn't live within the bounds of reality i would be enourmously wealthy. i would have all the friends, the best socialities, loudest partiers, richest wall street workers. i would live in a mansion, perhaps with an unattentive husband, perhaps alone. i would, on the outside, be completely satisfied. but of course the reader would see through that, see how my wealth was only a ploy to try fill all my emptiness. but it never would. but of course all of this is fictional. i live in the real world, no matter how much i wish i didn't. and in the real world i am just a poor little delusional bitch. i am selfish and greedy and empty, sure. but i will never live the opulent life of that vision, even if i tried. no. i will shop at 24 hour supermarkets. i will ride the subway. i will walk alone at night and hope. i will sleep on a bare matress in a bare room in a single bedroom apartment that i can barely afford. i will eat chips for dinner. i will work at some boring boring job that pays me as much as i deserve, but not enough to live. i will never find anyone interesting enough to read about in my life. no, i will live my boring life with my boring friends in my boring job. i will have a plain, uneventful death. a car crash maybe, or cancer, or old age. i will have a modest funeral. people will cry for me, and then move on. someone else will start my boring job, live in my boring flat, befriend my boring friends. i will not be remembered. i will not be a martyr, a joan of arc. i will not be crucified, not made an example of, not remembered for centuries. not even decades. oh well. i'm bored of thinking about this. maybe i will stare at the ceiling for a few hours. i have to be up early tomorrow.
first off, that date was super weird to write. i've been writing teens for as long as i can remember, and now it's 2020. now onto the actual entry.
i know it sounds crazy, but i think i'm being punished by god. i have a sick sick mind and i have some sick thoughts, so sick i don't even want to post them here. not because i'm ashamed of having those thoughts, but because i don't want people judging me for the vile person i am. so i won't tell anyone ever. but god knows. i don't even know if i believe in him, but i know he knows what kind of person, and he's sending down all this physical hurt and sickness to try and teach me a lesson. i know it. there's no other reason i would feel like this after thinking those things. after acting out those things. objectively i know it's wrong. but i don't think objectively. i'm impulsive and emotionally driven and self centered. i don't care about how all this will impact other people. i barely even think about how it will impact myself. i'm like a chronic chainsmoker. i don't care anymore. i'm a hedonist and nothing is going to stop me from getting what i want. i will destroy others in search of momentary pleasure. it has been a running theme in my life. i will even destroy myself. all the self harm, the eating disorder, the sexual abuse. hurting myself in the long run to feel that instant of pleasure. and this, now, is just another example. all i can say is that i am one sick motherfucker for thinking that way about someone, and wanting that life, and then having the audacity to cry over it like some grieving widow. this won't make much sense to anyone but me. even in the future as i read this back i probably won't know what i'm talking about. but i want to remember that this isn't something i should wish for, or aspire to be. act it out in my head, sure. act it out in real life, as long as you don't hurt anyone. pretend all you want. but when you make it real, there's something seriously wrong with you. and i deserve all this punishment.