Wednesday 19th of February

i was driving in my car with a friends in the passengers seat. it was late night, and i knew where i was. but we spotted a sort of derilict, abandoned food shop, like a tesco or something. we drove up this little side road, and i realised that the road had become a bridge over this massive canyon. i was going probably a little too fast, and i had to avoid a massive pothole that took up the whole road. after that, i didn't see that the road had suddenly ended until it was too late. i slammed on the brakes but i thought i could survive. but no. the front wheels of the car slipped off the side of the road, and i simply sat in slow motion as the car slipped further and further off the road and into the open air. we finally began to free-fall, and i remember straightening myself up, trying to get my face as far away from the wheel as possible so that when we eventually hit the ground i had less risk of slamming my face against the steering wheel. we fell for so long, god it was endless! and the further i fell the more i realised i was going to die. so i just accepted it. i knew that this hunk of metal was gonna close up around me and my body would be crushed and bloodied and mangled. and then we hit the ground, and the car jumped a little, and that was it. i didn't slam my face against the wheel, or break any bones. i wasn't crushed under warped metal. we just... landed. god i felt so exhilirated. i got out of the car and was just so joyous. i was alive! i was alive! we left the car and walked to a nearby shop, and honestly i don't remember the rest of the dream. i was just so glad to escape certain death.

Sunday 16th of February

i had an extremely elaborate and vivid dream last night. i had been drinking and really struggled to get to sleep, i think i was tossing and turning for hours before i finally drifted off. but when i did, i dreamed. the dream started with me and my family (mum, dad and brother) on a beach. the beach was a tourist one and had many people, but was also covered in walruses (i googled it, that's the correct pluralisation). so anyway, me and my family were hanging out on this beach and then one of the biggest walruses gave out this sort of grunt, a call to the other ones. this walrus was the king walrus, and he already had his own private group of pals. but some of the smaller walruses who hung out further down the beach near the sea took this call as a chance to make friends. so a couple of them started to move up the beach to meet the bigger one, and once they got to close a fight broke out between the smaller walruses and the biggest ones. this fight attracted the attention of the other walruses too, who lumbered over to see. if you know how big those things are, well, they sorta moved forward with no regard for their surroundings, and people were at risk of being shoved and trampled. so all the humans on the beach started to run in the opposite direction of the walruses. as we were running it was sort of a frenzy and i lost track of my brother. but i was more in awe of the creatures i saw. after the waves of walruses, which only seemed to get bigger and bigger, i started to see elephants. these elephants were slightly smaller and skinnier than usual, though not unnaturally skinny. and they were a lighter gray too, but were covered in darker gray patterns almost like henna? it was gorgeous, these beautiful elephants with elaborate markings on their skin. they all had tusks too, which didn't protrude out as much as they went vertically down with just a slight curvature at the bottom. (all the creatures in this dream were very similar to real animals, but with just slight differences). then, flying above all these other creatures, were things i can only describe as pterodactyls. i don't remember these things as vividly as the others, but they were similar in texture to the walruses and elephants, only they flew. so anyway, we managed to flee the beach, and i was still with my mum and dad but not my brother. we had no clue where he was. i left him loads of texts but he didn't reply to any of them, so i told him that we were going back to the house, and he knew the way so he could just walk. so the three of us got in the car, and we drove this shortcut that my dad knew but i had never been down before. for some reason at some point we stopped and got out the car, and climbed into the hole in a fence which led to a decently sized little hidden area. about the size of an average lift (or elevator). we had motivations for this, but i don't remember them. anyway, we were all sitting in this little hole in the fence when a red fox appeared. it was a little smaller than the avergae fox, and huddled up in the ground about a foot away from me. it seemed completely unfazed by the human prescence. it was just moments after the fox appeared that this other creature appeared. it looked somewhat similar in appearance to a maned wolf. the differences were that it's snout was a little wider and more elongated, a little more wolvish. it was also lighter in colour, more cream or tanned colour. its back was a little darker and chest a little lighter. its hair was also slightly longer, and looked very dry (like the texture of over-bleached hair). my mum told me in a whisper that it was a 'hunter fox', and that it was hunting the smaller red fox that lay at my feet. either the fox was unaware of the hunter fox's prescence, or was trying to hide by staying perfectly still. the hunter fox bared its teeth in a snarl, and reached out with a paw to tap the red fox on the back. after it did that, it swung down in one swift motion and took the fox between its jaws, biting down with a crunch on its back and neck. the fox i'm sure died instantly. it happened so close to me that i was afraid i had got blood on my face. it then curled up neatly in front of me as if it didn't care about the three humans who sat around it. it was now terrified of the creature after seeing it kill, and so we left and went home. when i got home i saw my brother there waiting. i was confused as to how he got home before us when we drove, but he just said he walked the whole way and was completely fine. he also said he had called and texted us, but i had no missed calls or unread texts. when i pressed him i saw tears form in his eyes, and so i hugged him as he started to cry. a little later i was trying to tell two of my friends what happened on the beach over snapchat, and so i sent them this huge long message on the group chat. neither of them replied, and then i saw that one of them had sent loads of voice messages earlier that i had completely ignored. i tried to listen to them then, but for some reason just couldn't be bothered. i later met both those friends in a tesco that day, and i apologised loads for not listening to the messages, although i can't remember what their reactions were. there was more to the dream, but it was mostly filler that i forgot pretty much instantly.

Thursday 13th of February

i had two dreams last night, so i'll recount them seperately. the first dream began as sort of a fantasy daydream, but somewhere in the middle i drifted off and it continued as a dream. it is nsfw but i won't go into any details. me and a guy i know in real life were having sex. it started off very slow and, well, as soon as he put it in i realised that maybe i shouldn't do this because of past trauma and my feelings around sex and how it affects me. so i told him to stop, and then tried to explain that i didn't actually want him to stop, i just wanted him to pause so i could figure out if i was okay with this or not. it was around this point i think that i fell asleep. he was confused as to why i didn't know whether i wanted to have sex or not, so i told him about my trauma in very little detail just to provide context. i didn't think this would be a big deal, but he of course took it very seriously and no longer wanted to have sex with me, but just make sure i was okay. because i had never told anyone about my trauma before, and he hadn't just moved on from it instantly like i had sort of expected him to, i felt really open and exposed and started to cry. i think this was also intensified by the fact that i was naked. i was just so embarassed that i had told him that and made such a fool out of myself, or at least that's how i felt, and i kept begging him to just forget about it and have sex with me. but he wouldn't, and instead comforted me. even though in the dream i didn't want his comfort, and instead wanted him to just get it over with and fuck me, i think it was like an expression of my deepest desires. like, while i was awake it was purely sexual, plain and simple, nothing really deep and emotional or anything. i was exposing myself, but only in a physical sense. but in the dream my true desire came through: for someone to know me and care for me, and not just use me for sex. for someone to really prioritise my feelings and safety over getting themselves off.
the next dream was a weird one. i was driving this road, following a treasure hunt. i didn't have a physical map but i could see it in my head. the road was newly built so i'd never been on it before, and there were lots of different turns and i didn't know what ones to take. my phone only had 1% battery (funny, i had been driving earlier that night with only 1%) so there was no way i could call someone if i needed help, or use google maps to take me home. i just had to figure it out for myself. so i was following all these new roads and eventually i got to a bit where i was better off walking than driving, so i got out and followed the path up to a building. the path didn't lead to a front door, but instead up near the roof and inside the building. the ledge i was on was very skinny, and i was sure i was on the right path until it ended with a vent. i was inside a populated shop which i could see below me, though they weren't looking at me. i knew i was supposed to go into the vent, because i'd seen someone crawling along the ledge in front of me, and i hadn't seen them back out, and there was no other pathway. but i was too scared that if i climbed into the vent i would get stuck and die in there, so i just turned back and gave up on finding the treasure. i started the long walk in the direction that i thought was home, and was just trying to figure out the compass points when i woke up.

Sunday 26th of January

i dreamed that there was a black box, wooden, in the hallway of my house. everything was ominous and dark, and nothing belonged to me. the box, which came up to about me knees, was pantagonally shaped. it buzzed. i was somewhere else in my house when the box burst open and a flood of wasps came out, and came flying towards me. i don't remember the rest. i think i may have been inspired by my recent viewing of the nest by david cronenberg, about a woman who believes her left breast has been infested by wasps.

Sunday 12th of January

i was driving a minibus carrying a massive group of people that i knew on a road trip. it was mostly people i know from school, but ewan mcgregor was there too, looking like obi wan. we drove for ages, and then there was a period where i blacked out in which i crashed the car. i couldn't remember any of it. one moment i was driving, the next we were all standing next to the car, and ewan mcgregor had a huge gash on his thigh. as far as i know nobody else was seriously hurt. after that ewan mcgregor wouldn't let me drive, and he drove us the rest of the way. at this point i knew the car had crashed, but i couldn't remember who had been driving when we crashed, and didn't know it was my fault. we got to our destination, which was a massive building filled with many different rooms. i remember standing in one of the rooms, which was a nightclub, but it was almost empty, with just those that had been in the car plus a couple others here. i was pretty drunk, but other people were drunker than me. i tried to hang around with my best friend but she was giving me the silent treatment, so i ended up just watching a load of drunk people falling over. i then approached a boy i knew who had been in the car with us. i asked "when the car crashed, who was driving? was it me?" he looked down at me, sympathetic and slightly awkward about being the one to break the news to me. he said "yeah, it was you." in that 'i'm sorry' voice. i felt so shit about myself in that moment, just so sick and horrible, embarassed and upset. i ran out of the club into the foyer, and when i looked around i saw my best friend walking into another room, so i followed her. i entered this room, which was huge and gold and glittering. it was egyptian themed, and was magneficent. one i was there, i couldn't see my friend, so i went through several different rooms within the egyptian collection. then, as i was admiring the architecture on display, a man appeared behind me. he was odd. although i've never met him before, i recognised him. they say you only see faces in dreams that you know in real life, but i swear i've never met him apart from in dreams. as he spoke i began to feel warm and fuzzy, filled with that loving feeling like happy tears piling in my throat. i think i may have been engaged to him in a dream before this, years ago. even though i knew he was my age, he sorta looked like i only knew him when he was older, and was trying to imagine what he would look like at 20 years old. we talked and laughed for ages, and i felt so comfortable with him. i was even comfortable enough to mention that i didn't fully remember him, and he was okay with it. he understood me perfectly. it was like we were twin flames. even though we were so different, we fit together and understood one another so well. i felt true love in this dream. it was so enthralling. so we had our wedding, whihc was egyptian-themed (not in a tacky way, but in the most extravagant and expensive way possible. it was like a parade.) i don't remember much of the wedding, because it wasn't that impoartant. what was important was all the time i spent with him. it didn't matter what was going on around me. i'm so in love with him, i'm hoping my dreams about him are just foretelling the future, when i will meet him and fall in love. hopefully we are real soulmates.

Monday 6th of January

this dream focuses a lot on my cats. the oldest cat is called mouse, and we have two newer cats called butter and clementine who are still somewhat kittens. in this dream, i was standing in a huge wooden dome structure. it was made of planks with gaps between them and so was exposed to the open air. within the dome there were staircases and floors, and wires up above holding the whole thing together. my dad was walking down from the top of the dome, while me and my mum stood about half way down. he shouted down that he wanted to create a new place for our cats to roam that was open-topped, so they could get out and see the world. my mum was angry about this suggestion, especially because our two newest cats weren't ready to go outside yet. then, i look up, and i see me oldest cat mouse standing on the top of the dome, between two planks of wood. he jumps, and falls incredibly far, although he's fine. he jumps again, falls, and is okay. my heart is in my mouth the whole time. now he's about 20ft above me, and he goes to jump again, this time he really thinks about it hard before he jumps. then, he lets go. he seems to fall forever, and i reaches out to try grap onto a rope about 10ft above me. his paw hits the rope, but he can't hang on, and so he keeps falling down and down and down. and then he hits the ground with this horrible, sick thud. i run towards him, and he's lying on the floor all warped and twisted, facing towards me, and he whimpers out this little, broken meow. i woke up so damn upset, and had to go downstairs and check if he was okay (which he was). it was horrible.

Saturday 27th of July

i had two seperate dreams tonight. the first dream i was in a bus with everyone in my year at high school. it was like a party bus, and we were driving around somewhere in spain or greece. lots of weird stuff happened, like people playing chicken and jumping in front of the bus as it was moving. at one point i got off with a few popular girls who i didn't know particularly well but were really nice, and the bus ended up leaving without us. me and one of the girls, abby, started goofing about, and she even started doing crazy gymnastic flips. eventually we got back on the bus, and i found myself watching tv. the adverts were on, and one was something to do with dementia. it showed a man talking about how expensive cats were. he had dementia, and wanted to marry his wife while he still had the chance, but he couldn't afford it because of how expensive his cats were. the next advert was about a pikachu-shaped, apple-flavoured ice lolly that was coming to subway.
in the next dream i was a small child, only i was seeing myself from a third-person perspective, as if i were playing a videogame. my mother had taken me into a bookshop, and she had left me downstairs with a group of employees. she ended up killing one of the people downstairs, which i was unfazed about, before she went upstairs and started talking to about ten members of staff. she told one of them secretly that she was a serial killer, and then she shapeshifted into amassive snake (aladdin jafar style). it was huge, cartoonish, and coloured like a milk snake. somehow the staff managed to drive out my mum, and i came runnng upstairs and asked them to call child protective services because both my parents were serial killers and i wanted to escape from them.

Friday 26th of July

i dreamed that i had gained a lot of weight, maybe about 50lbs? however, it didn't look right, it sort of all pooled in my thighs and my face, making me look weirdly swollen. in this same dream, i had sex with another girl, a stranger. i won't go into detail because it was nsfw, but i remember most of my thoughts being centered around my body. i didn't necessarily feel repulsed by what i saw in myself, but i also didn't like the way i looked. i think this is probably a reflection on my eating disorder mindset coming back somewhat, although i'm not yet restricting food (thankfully), it's all just appearance based.

Saturday 15th of June

in this dream, frank iero (and the future violents) showed up at my house. we hung out the whole night, literally just sitting on the floor chilling out and chatting. even though we had never met before, and they were famous, the conversation flowed so naturally. i remember sitting so close to frank. he was talking to me so earnestly, as if he genuinely meant everything he was saying. i don't remember the contents of the conversation, but we were discussing the music as well as personal stuff. later that night, still in the dream, i went to sleep, and then woke up to the sound of "a new day's coming" off of frank's new album. and i remember thinking, 'that's frank iero from my chemical romance', and then i opened my eyes and frank was sitting there playing the guitar while the song played on my record player beside him. i just remember going to sit with him, and it was as if we had known each other our whole lives, like we were best friends. i didn't speak much, mainly just listened to him. it was never awkward. at the end, when they went to leave in their tour bus, frank hugged me and i just knew i'd see him again. i really hope that's a sign i get to see him live this year.

Thursday 13th of June

i had a horrible dream last night. i dont know if you could call it a nightmare, but it was horrible. my uncle asked me to watch my younger cousin, who is five and a bit of a daredevil. i was following him around, chatting to him. nothing happened. he didnt do anything, and neither did i. yet when i returned to my aunt and uncle, they started to accuse me of shoving my cousin into a little cubbyhole in our house and locking him there for a period of time. i kept telling them i didnt, and begging my cousin to explain that i didnt hurt him. but he just stayed silent, and watched me. he knew exactly what was happening, but he just watched. they were all accusing me, and the more they told me i did it the more i realised i couldnt remember. i didnt think i had done it, and i was 99% sure i hadnt. but my memory of watching over my cousin was fuzzy enough that it could have happened and i just didnt rememebr. the more they interrogated me, the more i started to believe that i was actually guilty, while my cousin just watched, with that innocent look on his face. i think maybe im terrified of the fact that i'm actually a bad person, and everyone else knows it, but my brain keeps unconciously forgetting, so ill never be able to stop what im doing.


unknown, likely early 2019 and 2017-19

i have this reoccuring dream where im in a field, a huge field that stretches as far as they eye can see. and the sky is blue, not one cloud in sight. in the most recent version, i distinctly remember the temeperature being 380°F, but i wasnt too hot. it was the perfect temperature so that i didnt even feel hot nor cold. i was walking around this field, which was completely flat and free of flowers, when i found a small entrenceway to these dusty sandstone steps. the sun beat down on these steps hotter than in the field, although you still couldnt feel it completely. i started to walk down the stairway, which spiralled, but was so wide that you barely even noticed the curve. as i decended, i started to go faster and faster, until i was sprinting, although i didnt feel exerted or tired no matter how long i ran for. as i ran, people began to join me. there was a roman in a horse-led chariot, and men on horseback. they all seemed to be from different periods of history, and although many were on horses or in vechiles, i kept up with them. the dream ends before i ever reach the bottom.


unknown, likely 2004-2007

a reoccuring dream from my childhood which terrified me, although i didnt know why. the dream was from my pov, but i didnt feel like myself. it was as if i was having an out-of-body experience, just floating there. i saw a man larger than life, sitting cross-legged. i could never remember exactly how he looked, but i know he seemed rather thin and haggered, yet powerful. he was either naked or wearing loose rags. and in his arms, floated the earth. the man looked down on the earth peacefully, just observing. i knew he had no ill intent for us, but the idea of a higher power frightened me. i wasn't raised religious, and at the time likely had no concept of god. yet, i believe i dreamed him.


unknown, likely 2004-2007

another reoccuring dream from my childhood was one in which i was a tiny pixel, grey in colour. i floated in an all-white background, while black pixels flew towards me. i had to go in the opposite direction of them, and try to avoid crashing into them. they always scared me.



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