4:30pm - took 200mg.
6:19pm - i sink down and down and down and i don't stop sinking. i feel maybe like i am wasting my life wanting to be a little girl again, but then again, i have no life to waste. i can't face reality, can't face the future. i go with the flow but my head's always a river behind. like a salmon i keep coming home, even if it means an uphill battle. it'll be weird to do things different. i got so stuck in my ways i forgot times were changing. but they sure have changed now. and nothing will ever be the same again. i can't never go back. i've grown and changed, and can't fit in the same places as before, no matter how much i want to.
6:26pm - i can hear the judder of the olden times in Bing Crosby's voice in White Christmas. i want 2 go back.
i feel about as light as air and as heavy as a tonne of bricks. i have literally eaten nothing today. i am beautiful and fun and sexy and have good friends and no one can convince me otherwise. my life is perfect and i love it!!!
6:46pm - god i totally like don't even know where i am rn i'm just bouncing through memories trying to find you but i can't. i can't find myself i'm lost in the sauce but i'm swimming in it not drowning. i'm drinking it up and i'm loving it i'm living in it.
6:55pm - my body is so incredibly fluid and maliable. i am made to be held then destroyed. i will slip through your fingers like sand. i will leave before morning. i will mourn your loss when i am the one who let you go. i'm sick of seeing bridges and rooftops as diving boards. i'm used to climbing fences anyway.
7:00 - wrap your arms around me like you haven't seen me in 2 weeks. cry into my neck. get pretty for me. lie to me. tell me they love me. wrap your arms around me. cry into my neck. let me melt into you
i want to stain you so no one else comes near. you're mine. i want to devour you. i want you to kill me from the inside.
7:15 - i want to be a woman. that's the thing. i just can't. i want to be normal. but i'm this out of the box thing + i can't help it. do i want to be here? not really. but i'll take it.
7:23pm - feel like i totally don't know how to walk any more nor do i know where i am. i'm just doing whatever. pouring smoke in my lungs.
7:44pm - it's like i'm walking on cushions. the whole world is my bedroom. when was the last time you cried out loud?
7:46pm - everything is happening very fast but i think i am connected to it all. it's winter but the air on my skin is body temperature. that's because the air is my breath. the ground is soft because it's my skin. i breathe. i breathe. i am the world and i breathe. the whole world breathes with me. i am all of them, everyone. every woman i wanted to be is in me. alanis morisette is me. we are the same. when she sings it's my disphragm, my lungs, my vocal chords. she sings about me and she is me. i am her. i think the whole world is one big sponge and we're all just tiny water droplets being sucked up into it. we're all contained in there, but one day someone is gonna squeeze it and i'm gonna fall out, i'm gonna drop out and i'll fall free flying falling spinning from space right down to land and it will hurt but i'll have done my time. it'll hurt but it'll be exhilarating and fresh and free. it feels like midnight but it's only 7:50pm. it's christmas time. it's summer time. it's wine o'clock. i am in love with the world and it's in love with me. but i'm getting cold now and i have to go. the wind's picking up. ironic by alanis morisette is playing. the album's almost over. i have to go back and be soft and human again. i love it and i miss it. i am happy i did this. things could've gone so wrong but they're right.
8:25pm VILE BODIES. we have vile bodies. we are repulsive. melt the physical form and just be! there's nothing in this physicality. i like when everything looks the same but is different. not nice when we all have judgements about silly things that will not matter. we should just be voices and eyes and auras. because all of this bad stuff is physical and in the brain. the soul is not depressed. my eyes are not depressed. my voice is not depressed. depressed is not an emotion. it is a state of mind. if i didn't have a mind i wouldn't be like this. but i try to be articulate. i'm glad i'm not dead yet. i'm glad i didn't die young. i might still but i feel beyond youth now.
2:21pm - drank half a bottle (~120mg)
3:42pm - had half a sausage roll which was not nice, now i'm watching twin peaks n i'm gonna drink the rest i think.
4:47pm - one of my biggest fears is being alone but i think at the same time i'm more scared of being known than i am of being alone. and whenever i get drunk or high i start to reveal myself and become more "known" but then i can always blame it on the substances. i'd rather die alone than be known in life. like mcr said, "i think i'd love to die alone."
6:16pm - made myself some wonderful dinner and had a wonderful chat with my flatmates. i mean it was't exactly wonderful or extra special or anything i just like them and i like hanging out with them so :)
6:19pm -dxm is so beautiful because you don't need to eat and music sounds amazing. instead of the music going from your ears to your brain, it's like it's blasted straight into your mind. like an intravenous injection of sound. why smoke heroin when you can shoot it.
7:08pm - i think i'm down now lmao. kinda shit ngl. nah i had fun like i did i swear i did i just kinda didn't feel like i has the full range of movement in terms of having my flatmates over and stuff and just feeling the need to perform when usually i can go crazy aa go stupid aaa and the only ones to judge me are god and my parents. and they're both very judgemental already. oh well, oh well. i had a good time. i did. but also i only did like 120mg since it's been months since i got high and i'm in a new area so i wanted to keep it simple keep it safe which i did, so maybe next time i'll do more idk. lol k bye.
8:40pm - ok and i oop i just drank the rest bc i realised i wasn't going out tonight to XD ahahaha very funny.
9:09pm - i know i'm not high because i just took it literally 30mins ago ok so maybe i am god i'm so fucked. i'm texting a cute boy n i'm like. when am i gonna be high enough to pluck up the courage to ask him to come over. just to watch a film or something.
10:40pm - i get high. i listen to smashing pumpkins. i think about my babygirl. i feel sad. i don't cry. i rock back and forth. i go to the toilet in the dark. i think about inviting a guy over. i feel sad. i miss her. i listen to real love by the smashing pumpkins.
1:08pm - listening to alanis morisette's jagged little pill. it's been near two months since i last got high. i've missed this. took 100mg.
1:15pm - took another 100mg. washed my mouth out at the tap and drooled everywhere.
1:41pm - finished cleaning my room in 30 minutes. i've not been able to do this for months. it's still not kicked in yet, but i'm beginning to feel something.
2:10pm - every move i make feels like i'm travelling across universes.
2:21pm - fall out boy was right in bishops knife trick. these are the last blues we're ever gonna have.
2:23pm - legs are sticks. i'm a supermodel.
2:29pm - the person i see in the mirror is not me. it's like watching a tv screen lagging behind. i'm not a man. i'm not a woman. i'm a character, a figment of your imagination. or of my own. i smell my own sweat, and it's sweet.
3:03pm - jazz reminds me of germany. makes me happy.
3:29pm - watching rocky horror picture show. then probably trainspotting. then probably EUROVISION!!!!
7:40pm - now i'm mostly down, so here's a little recap. my head hurts. realised i'm not a trans man nor a woman, my gender cannot be described using language. i do love myself though. reject femininity. i love courtney love, and i love laura jane grace. two of my biggest inspirations. both have nouns for last names. i spent almost an hour tying my shoelaces in different configurations. i'm at peace. did some art, had some sickass ideas.
took about 100mg in the school toilet at 11:15am. both the art final deadline and my psychology exam are tomorrow. i dissociate. i do art. i have fun. i am fun. i love myself. i get home about 4:30. here comes the sun, do do do do.
10:55am - in art.
11:02am - can't really eat.
3:24 - today at school _____ told me she respected me mad because i'm weird as hell but i own it. i hugged her. basically told everyone i was high. they were cool with it. asked questions. i'm listening to lil peep now and i've already taken another 100mg at 1 maybe? watched some almost famous. it was so good. lil peep is clear as day in my mind. i see flowers.
6:00pm - i sat at the park, down the hill and over the fence so i'm right by the river. i took another 100mg. i guess i'm binging tonight :) it is beautiful.
7:00pm - got to _______'s and took the rest.
20/03/19 - truly like. it's the next day but last night really reignited the magic for me. i've been struggling a bit with that - it's almost like i'm getting high to get high. i don't really feel so much any more. but yesterday was amazing. a change of scenery does wonders. in the past i've only ever taken dex in my bedroom, apart from twice (but both of those times were plat 1 and i barely felt anything). being high at school, then at the park, then at ___'s house was just fucking magical. especially at the park, then walking to _______'s. seeing the ducks and listening to the river, and then seeing the daffodils lying freshly picked for me like.. like some fucking gift from mother nature herself, saying "hey, here's a part of me. a literal part of me plucked right from my shoulder, the ridge of that hill, and placed right here for you." that was a blessing. and realising how the daffodils matched with my outfit, and seeing that spring was coming, it was just beautiful. the walk to _______'s i sometimes got scared of judgement, this girl walking with a bouquet of flowers, but i realised i don't care, because it's so warm today, and the sky is beautiful. when i was swinging on the swings and i just felt everything. everything. a rush of beautiful air, the movement of the wind. just.. everything. it was angelic. dxm for me has always been a drug i did alone, but there's something magical about strangers as well.
so say it's like this. i'm 5 hours into a trip and decide to hop on downstairs for a giggle and a half or maybe just a piss. out bathroom is getting done up so i need to go to my brother's bathroom. it's fading fast, man. and like, my dad is in my brother's bedroom and he's kind of slumped over to one side, i mean his head is, and he's holding his head in his left hand in my brother's chair facing away from me. there's a video on his phone, but he's asleep, he doesn't know me. but he could've been dead. and i'm too high to call the police. if he was dead, i mean. but he's not. but if he was my brother would've done it. i knew that.
4:08pm - i finish 200mg. for some reason it's taking me longer than usual to dose, and i really feel like i'm going to puke even though it's not that much. i'll try chill for a while.
4:48pm - i've basically spend an hour trying not to throw up. i mean it's been seriously bad, the way where i think i'm going to have to run to the toilet any minute. i've been lucky so far but i don't know. hopefully an hour after i finished dosing i'll be good to go. i can't take any more. no way.
5:41pm - i don't know who david doberik is but do not watch this guy on dxm i shit you not it will destroy your immune system.
6:15pm - robowalk is very pronounced. took another 100mg. parents going out, brother out. home alone oops. can't trust me. having extreme memory and time lapses. i know something happened but i can't remember it if that makes sense. i know my parents left but i don't remember it, and i don't remember checking to see if they left yet i know they did.
6:20pm - slight hallucinations
6:28pm - threw up. whow this is happening fast isn't it.
7:04pm - listening to revolver and other than my hands, i'm numb.
7:15pm - quite literally been days since i last logged. lots of CEVs. i saw a doctor on a train dr robert a mix of patrick swayze and clint eastwood and the days were passing fast. i didn't leave the train.
7:18pm - euthanasia is stupid because there's always a way to improve someone's life, even if it's just injecting them full of heroin every day. especially the ones that have mental illnesses chronic depression and stuff. just dose up on acid and you'll be free i promise. nobody should hurt or have to die. life is so precious and we must keep it at all costs. the whole point of life is pleasure. blanche was part right when she said desire was the opposite of death. i can feel the texture of these keys even though i'm typing on a flat phone screen.
7:21pm - heaven is a hospital for those unsatisfied by life and god is the doctor shooting you up with drugs to make you happy. i want to be that. i want to open a clinic where i just inject people with extracted dxm or pure heroin or whatever is safe and keep track of them and help them. society's fear of drugs is only killing us faster. they have untapped potential to heal our souls.
7:50pm - parents came back, i had to walk the dog, wigged the fuck out, walked her but didn't know how to walk so was taking spastic steps. my feet still feel like they're morphing in my shoes, didn't know how to pick up a shit. passed 3 people, freaked out. they know. saw the moon. listened to stairway to heaven. basically i just got fucked. randomly decided to take the long walk instead of the short one. was kinda fun being outside. didn't feel cold or anything. still wigged out. mum realised i was sick. that was chill i don't remember much any more. fucking hell 3rd plat is a trip and a half. i didn't even know how to position my face or whatever. i was walking the same as my dog because that was the only reference i had. not on all fours obviously but taking little teeny steps because she's a little bitty dog. i didn't really feel like i was a real person.
4:15pm - i've had a stressful day. i'm about to take 300mg, the most i've ever done before. fuck i can't do this. it tastes worse than usual. uuuugh please paul mccartney get me through this. every gulp i take my head shakes and rattles like the tail of a snake.
4:40pm - never in my life have i felt this bad. i'm going to vomit, there's no doubt in my mind. i've felt nauseous before but not like this. fuck me.
5:20pm - i just spent about ten minutes in the toilet vomiting my guts up. god it was bad. i already felt kind of sick this mornng, so i don't know if it's that or the dxm or both that caused me to throw up. either way i'm still high so it's okay.
6:06pm - the auto tune in the ballad of mona lisa is so obvious to me now. unlike never before. this is real music on dxm. all music is very slow and sort of seperated. even in even flow by pearl jam each guitar note plays on it's own. i feel disconnected from the music. like i'm listening to it the way you look through a glass wall. but when patrick sings in grand theft autumn he's in my head.
6:20pm - that's what it is! it's dreams! i'm dreaming. when i was throwing up i didn't know if my dad had spoken to me or if i had imagined it. the music is so dreamlike. my body is dreamlike. i'm dreaming.
6:28pm - i swear to god the people i'm best of friends with are all in my head. i really know what kurt was talking about now. i won't understand when i'm sober. but i create the personalities of the people in my head. the ______ in real like isn't the ______ in my head. same with ______. ______ is the only good one left. she's so pure. she's so good. i swear she's an angel sent down. maybe she's not protecting me but all of us. i aspire to be her. she doesn't care what people think. she's beautiful. she's okay being naked. she can laugh. she can have fun. she's beautiful. people get annoyed at her because she's 'weird' but how can you not love her when she goes on her enthusiastic ramblings of whatever is interesting her at the moment. she's amazing. her soul is beautiful and blue and purple, but not in the sad way. she's blue in the way of the open ocean. explorative. beautiful. magical. she's everything. i'm not in love or anything. i just see her as some being to worship. like a godess. or an angel.
6:39pm - i listen to nancy boy. every time i close my eyes i'm transported to an alternate universe that i can't remember when i open my eyes. i know i've been there but have no memory of it when i open my eyes to type it down.
6:46pm - listening to destroya. this is the contortionist stage. shifting into the strangest most uncomfortable positions because it's what feels best. i can't relax now. must be tense. this is reminiscent of the cerebral palsy drug they take in wolf of wall street, or that scene in hereditary in the classroom where the kid is fucking smashing his face into the table. i don't know why i'm out of breath. by the end of the song i am released.
6:51pm - my own worst enemy is giving me CEVs of a man with a pufferfish for a head.
6:53pm - the bird and the worm is masks. devil masks, white human masks, black goat masks, fennec fox masks, sheep masks, masks for everything. wooden geometeric old carved masks, blue cat masks. it's a crow mask! it's a black crow mask, plague crow, evil grim reaper crow singing the lyrics.
7:01pm - i thought it would be 9pm right now. i wasn't ready to open my eyes. i've peaked. i've calmed now. i'm just enjoying the music. and i'll continue to enjoy the music.
7:11pm - time's slow huh.
7:26pm - i'm only wearing socks but my left foot feels like a slipper that's actually made of my foot. my foot is the shape and feel of a slipper.
1:53pm - took 150mg. fuck that was hard.
2:28pm - crying because the world is so nice.
2:31pm - i get flashes of nausea in the roof of my mouth that are almost pleasant while listening to helter skelter.
2:44pm - FREDDIE MERCURY WAS LIT A FUCKING GENIUS LIKE!!!! BABE I LOVE A FUCKING BISEXUAL BABE OMFG LIKE HE JUST FUCKING KNEW HOW TO DO SHIT LIKE KSDCNKDJ BABE I'M SO FUCKING SORRY U DIED LITERALLY WHAT IS WITH SO MANY BADASS MFS DYING I'M SO SAD FREDDIE BABE love you so much.
3:20pm - the crib i'm lying in is rocking as if i am a baby. dark side of the moon always gives me CEVs. these are faint.
3:32pm - no way but for literally the last ten minutes i could not feel or hear but sense, almost sense the vibrations my body. it makes me wanna vomit.
3:36pm - got the worst case of robowalk EVER. maybe it's only robotussin you get with this cuz i never get it with benylin.
4:24pm - and i can't stop shaking!!!!
1:16pm - took 100mg after two quorn scotch eggs. mad salivating as usual. i'll call it a day here, i feel ill.
2:58pm - listening to dazed and confused, my nose feels the way when you get punched in the face, kinda numb.
my body is translucent, and i'm the milky white tiny organism. my head is larger, almost alien-like, but still tiny inside my body. the rest of my body is almost fetus-like. i live entirely inside my head and neck i'm so small. i breathe. i breathe. i breathe. clean vocals are better than autotune or other effects.
the boy who became a tree. dreadlocks pointed to the sky growing into branches, fingers spindling into twigs, feet firmly planted, toes digging into roots. swirling bambis and cats on gravestones and elongated birds with wings like ribbons and it's almost there it's almost here it's almost almost almost almost
i had two full body orgasms by doing nothing but thinking, not even thinking of something sexual, and then i closed my eyes and listened to dark side of the moon and the hallucinations really started. i always hallucinate water. the rise and fall of my chest was the waves rolling on the sea. up and down. i could see lightning in the sky. then... god. then there were clouds. like clouds billowing from a volcano, only they were blue and grey tones and they were cartoonish with thin black lines around them. after that i saw cartoonish orange shoes running as i heard footsteps in the song i was listening to. then i saw cartoon bubble letters that kind of burst and then got sucked back into a ball of writhing letters, then bursting, sucked back in... the letters were orange. then the ball of letters evolved into pasta. a realistic ball of maybe seven or eight bits of helter-skelter shaped pasta. then i started laughing hysterically and i opened my eyes, and the hallucinations stopped.
2:04pm - took 100mg.
2:12pm - and i already feel a mood lift. i don't know if it's some pavlov placebo shit or if it's already kicking in.
3:10pm - took another 100mg because i have no impulse control lmao.
5:00pm - bohemian rhapsody and blue planet episode 2 (the deep) without sound.
dear god, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything. i don't really want to die. not really. i want to keep on living. i'm so happy you gave me this life and all those before it. thank you for my life as a fish. i still enjoy the water running over me. being underwater is joyful. is that why i can hold my breath so long? thank you for the circle of life. thank you for giving me life and letting me die when my time is ready. thank you for all of it. you are so wise and i didn't even know until now. i didn't even believe in you until now. but you are there, or someone is. maybe not god, but mother nature. thank you. life and death is all around me. thank you. i am so in tune with the earth that i can feel the miniscule fluctuations of the gravity. why do bad people exist. help them please. please help them. i'm begging you. i don't want anyone to hurt or be sad or mean or anything. i love you. thank you so much for giving me this life. why does the government lie to us? they say they believe in you but i know you'd want them to be honest. everyone should just be nice and then nothing would hurt anymore. if we were all fish like i was before now then we would all be happy working together. safety in numbers. thank you for the blue whales and the lightness in my head. thank you for the movies and the music. but not for the rapists. all men in hollywood are evil. are you allowed to intervene? or do you just watch from the sidelines and cry because you made us and we're so horrid and evil. i'm sorry. i'll try to be good. for you. we should never hurt animals or others unless we have to. i want to be one of those people who walk around with big brushes to sweep away they bugs in their path so they don't crush them underfoot. i want to be them. they're so kind. i want to be like this all the time. maybe without the occasional nausea. but this. this is so happy. i'm so fucked. i don't like swear words. they're so harsh. i want to sleep. yesterday i showered for the first time in like six days. that's a lie, it wasn't yesterday. it was an hour ago. time is sooooo slooooow. it's good because i feel like this for longer. it's all in slow motion. i know red is a lovely colour but blood is best kept inside our body rather than out. i'm a mummy. that's what i am. the egyptians took away my organs and my brain and that's why i'm so light. they were so smart. i would love to be an egyptian. they knew how to take our brains from our noses without ruining out pretty bodies. amazing. so intelligent. i love history.